What’s this blog about?
It’s
about enjoying, creating and grading creamy cole slaw.
There is also, regrettably, vinegar-based slaw. I have heard that some people call vinegar-based slaw, “Church Slaw.” If you prefer vinegar based slaw you probably want to visit some other blog, such as “Vinny’s Vinegar-Based, Terrible Slaw Site.” The Cabbage Patch is a creamy cole slaw review and recipe blog, written by me, Dr. Slaw.
What will you review?
Any
creamy cole slaw that follows the basic tenants of construction as to be
differentiable from a basic salad. I live in Pittsburgh but I eat the slaw
where me finds it. I also willingly eat it at major chains and diners. I am not
a cole snob. I probably prefer something closer to homemade in most cases, but
I love fast food and this is no place to get elitist. If I eat it, I’ll review
it.
Will you review my (personal/mom’s/grandma’s slaw)?
I’m
not saying no, but there are two practical challenges.
#1, How are you going to get it to me? Mail
it? That’s gross.
#Letter B, I don’t I want to make your Granny cry. She’s probably as sweet as the day is long, but just because she’s been cooking since the Truman administration doesn’t mean she makes good slaw. Perhaps she uses unusual ingredients or uses way too much dressing.
How are reviews structured?
I, Dr. Slaw, will give you as much background info as possible on the serving vessel and general experience. Where was it? Was it carryout or did I eat in restaurant? Did I use a plastic or metal fork? Was it fresh? Was it portioned out of a larger vessel, etc. If I remember I’ll take a picture (I probably won’t). Then I will describe it based on my arbitrary, yet incredibly specific grading criteria and give it a letter grade.
What do you grade on?
The
rubric is a bit fluid at this point, but the essentials are as follows:
Cabbage: Fresh. Ideally still crispy. Can be a
red cabbage and green cabbage mix, but all green is certainly OK.
Carrot: There should be carrot. Carrot adds
subtle sweetness so less sugar is needed in the dressing. Ideally carrot should
be like 20-25% of the veggie mix. Carrot-less cole slaw is a mistake.
The Cut: My opinion is that something on the order of julienning is perfection. I like sizeable distinct pieces. I don’t enjoy a fine dice, it’s not ideal for holding dressing and small uniform pieces are worse than overly large pieces.
Dressing: Mayo-based. There is a perfect
amount, ideally it coats the ingredients. It shouldn’t be too soupy. I
shouldn’t need to mix things around to get dressing on everything.
Salt and Pepper: Pepper should be evident by taste and visible, so I like coarse-ground. I will add pepper to slaw I’m served if needed, but will always try several bites before adding it. Ideally, I shouldn’t have to add anything to the slaw.
Spice/Seasonings: I don’t think any specific spice is a no-go for me right now, but that’s always subject to change. In practice I’ve had overly sweet, or overly salty slaw, and that’s a pretty serious hit to the rating, but I’m open to any reasonable seasonings of the ingredients and mayo/miracle whip.
What’s not OK?
Broccoli. At least one Pittsburgh area Seafood
restaurant uses broccoli in its slaw. I don’t know what happened to the chef in
his childhood but it must have been terrible
for him to want to subject me to cole slaw that had large pieces of Broccoli.
Sadly it was otherwise a decent offering- but I’ll talk about it later.
What about your stuff?
I am not good at cooking. I belong nowhere near an oven. There is a limited number of things I make well and the common thread amongst the items on that menu is that I’m often tinkering with the recipe to make the best version of that item I can. This is no different. I have my ideas about the ideals I mentioned above and my quest will be an attempt to bring that into my own slaw preparation.
Why should I care?
You shouldn’t. This is just like my opinion, man. Don’t forget all human cultural development is basically an elaborate distraction from our knowledge of our eventual demise. I’m going to be dead someday and so will you. Eat some fucking cole slaw and enjoy your people.
But Primanti’s uses vinegar-based slaw?
And…
