Recipe – The Cabbage Patch

The Quest for the Perfect Recipe, Batch#3: The Return of the Mayo

I actually remembered to take a proper “before” picture

Basic Recipe I followed:

Same as #2, swapping in Mayo.

Ingredients used:

Mayo= Burman’s

Vinegar= Walmart Apple Cider Vinegar

Salt= Morton’s

Sugar= Infamous unlabeled clear bin from the kitchen pantry, again

Pepper= From the grinder on the kitchen table + Course Black Pepper to finish

Cabbage= Source: Aldi by my house

Carrot= Same as prior batches. I had trouble with this particular carrot, in terms of getting the larger size pieces I desired. They seemed to break off the grater rather than slice cleanly. Might try to make sure the carrot is room temperature in the future.

Lemon juice= After last time decided to leave this out entirely and go with the added Vinegar as in Batch #2

Photo:

Intentional deviations from Recipe:

I went back to Mayo from Batch #2’s Miracle Whip

Unintentional deviations from Recipe:

None

Beer accompaniment:

Treehouse Doppelganger. The imperial version of Alter Ego, which is itself a takeoff on Julius. This stuff is the truth. Treehouse beer pretty much redeems Massachusetts from all Red Sox/Patriots related-sins. At 8.2% I definitely had to watch my knuckles.

Beer accompaniment potential box-grater finger injury rating (BAPBFIR):

4.5 bloody fingers out of 5.

How I felt:

Appearance-wise, I was unsatisfied with my veggies. In addition to the above issues with the carrot, I felt I got too many thick pieces of cabbage. I think that I am accounting for that as:

10% My knife needed sharpened
50% My bad knife technique/impatience
40% The cabbage head itself

Mrs. Slaw noted this particular head was really dense near the core.

That said, these minor imperfections didn’t have a big impact on taste and if I had missed both the same direction- rather than having small carrot with big cabbage pieces it might have been a total non-issue visually.

How others felt:

Mrs. Slaw liked this batch better than Batch #1. I also felt it had a better flavor.

Grade:

CC- for Can’t cut. Is there a knife skills bootcamp or something? I really want to improve and am too lazy to work on this skill absent external stimuli.

The Quest for the Perfect Recipe, Batch#2: When Life throws out your lemons…

This time I only got two steps in before remembering to take pictures

Basic Recipe I followed:

The basic recipe was equivalent to Batch #1 but I decided I would go ahead and create a Miracle Whip-based batch to consider Mrs. Slaw’s advice. I know Mrs. Slaw’s mother’s recipe uses Miracle Whip, so I knew there was a difference from eating it but wasn’t sure how drastic it would be. Since we needed to take an item to a Saturday cookout it was the perfect chance to get some feedback on my recipe from people who aren’t related to me by marriage. If it was bad, I figured I could pass it off as stolen from a hobo on the drive over. In retrospect labeling it Batch #2 was probably a poor choice for that ruse. Deliberate labeling shows the kind of forethought you don’t see from the average hobo.

Ingredients used:

Miracle Whip= This stuff is visually gross just like Mayo. It is sweeter.

Vinegar= Walmart Apple Cider Vinegar

Salt= Morton’s

Sugar= Unlabeled clear bin from kitchen pantry, again

Pepper= From the grinder on the kitchen table

Cabbage= Source: Dilner Farms CSA. Used about 3/4 a medium head. I hand cut with a sharp chef’s knife.

Carrot= Most of one large. I learned cutting the thin side off before using the box grater made it a little easier to work with the carrot.

Lemon juice= None (See Unintentional deviations from Recipe).

Photos:

Intentional deviations from Recipe:

Coarse Black pepper added to finish and for visual effect. That stuff is expensive.

Unintentional deviations from Recipe:

The lemons I had used in Batch# 1 were gone by now. This created a dilemma. Short on time (and too lazy to go buy lemons), I was forced to improvise. I added another 50% to the desired amount of Apple Cider Vinegar to make up for it. It seemed to be a reasonable workaround. Unfortunately, it did introduce a second variable when I was trying to make Batch#2 as close to #1 as possible.

Beer accompaniment:

Fathead’s Head Hunter. Pretty much a perfect West Coast IPA and a good sipper while making slaw.

Beer accompaniment’s potential box-grater finger injury rating (BAPBFIR):

2.5 bloody fingers out of 5.

How I felt:

I made this and took it to a cookout the same day so this batch did not have the benefit of being allowed to rest. I thought it was better on initial taste than batch #1, and decidedly less bland.

How others felt:

The batch was a little small for the number of guests at the party, so it was gone quickly. I heard neither positive nor negative feedback from other guests but I take the disappearing as a positive sign. Pulled pork was served so people were adding it to their sandwiches.

Grade:

I- for Incomplete. I didn’t get to try enough of it to make a full opinion and the fact I was a little buzzed at the cookout dinner didn’t help. I was hoping I could rule out whether I should consider Miracle Whip in the future, but will need to try it at least once more.

The Quest for the Perfect Recipe, Batch#1

On Recipes:

To understand why I’m doing iterative slaw recipes, I guess I need to include some back story. I was drinking with Mrs. Slaw and friends at one of the on-resort restaurants while on vacation in Mexico (If it sounds like I’m a wannabe lifestyle author/influencer about to tell you about my glamorous life as a humblebrag, stay with me, this isn’t a super flattering story), when I mentioned to the table that I used a list app to keep detailed reviews of staple dishes at restaurants where I’ve eaten. It was a decidedly non-sexy list of things like which VFDs near my house do good Lenten fish frys. Mrs. Slaw knew about the list and had avoided publically shaming me about it because she’s very graceful. For some reason, the detailed notes I kept on creamy cole slaw were what my friends found the most ridiculous. Since then there was this half-joke of a half-idea in my friend group that I could turn this Rain Man personality trait into a blog. I made little to no attempt to make it a thing afterward. Recently, an obstacle to realizing the blog was removed, forcing me to do something. You’re reading me shitting rather than getting off the pot.

I realized even before starting to write that my reviews of side dishes from specific restaurants in Western Pa would be of limited interest to anyone. Hell, I’m not even sure I would read that blog as described. So I realized what I needed to do was to seek to create the ultimate version of the dish on my own while also including reviews of my experiences eating other peoples’ cole slaw. Thus, starting with Batch #1 follows my attempt to make the best creamy slaw.

Ever.

Basic Recipe I followed:

Was found on allrecipes.com. I can’t seem to find the exact one when I revisited the site later. Pictures included show some of the ingredients, so I guess if you see it, I used it in this batch.

Ingredients used:

Mayo= Burman’s

Vinegar= Walmart Apple Cider Vinegar

Salt= Morton’s

Sugar= Unlabeled clear bin from the kitchen pantry. Mrs. Slaw told me it was sugar, but as always, trust but verify.

Pepper= From the grinder on the kitchen table

Cabbage= Source: Dilner Farms CSA. Used about 3/4 of a medium head

Carrot= Rando bag from the fridge. Used one large.

Lemon juice= I squeezed juice from a fresh-adjacent lemon

Photos:

Forgot to take this picture until near the end. No Baby wipes actually used in the process.

Intentional deviations from Recipe:

None. This was a baseline test. Some measurements eyeballed.

Beer accompaniment:

Dragon’s Milk (2019) by New Holland Brewery. An old favorite. An 11 percenter- I split it with Mrs. Slaw so I didn’t lose any fingers to the box grater.

How I felt:

Seemed sweet at test, but after it sat overnight I thought it was good. Noted I wanted to add coarse ground pepper for appearance/texture in the future. Happy with dressing coat and adherence.

How others felt:

Tester #1 thought the level of pepper was sufficient when asked. Tester #1 thought it needed more acid and he mentioned that he adds some finely minced onion. I still consider Tester #1 a friend despite this horrible advice.

Mrs. Slaw thought that it was bland and suggested Miracle Whip instead of Mayo. Divorce was pondered and then disregarded since Mrs. Slaw usually gives good advice and is a good partner.

Grade:

M- for decidedly meh.

The notion that my first shot at this would be the best ever-which actually happened the first time I made Grilled Cheese- Mrs. Slaw would not, in fact, Grill me a Cheese that day- was quickly disconfirmed.

Welcome to the Cabbage Patch!

What’s this blog about?

It’s about enjoying, creating and grading creamy cole slaw.

There is also, regrettably, vinegar-based slaw. I have heard that some people call vinegar-based slaw, “Church Slaw.” If you prefer vinegar based slaw you probably want to visit some other blog, such as “Vinny’s Vinegar-Based, Terrible Slaw Site.” The Cabbage Patch is a creamy cole slaw review and recipe blog, written by me, Dr. Slaw.

What will you review?

Any creamy cole slaw that follows the basic tenants of construction as to be differentiable from a basic salad. I live in Pittsburgh but I eat the slaw where me finds it. I also willingly eat it at major chains and diners. I am not a cole snob. I probably prefer something closer to homemade in most cases, but I love fast food and this is no place to get elitist. If I eat it, I’ll review it.

Will you review my (personal/mom’s/grandma’s slaw)?

I’m not saying no, but there are two practical challenges.

#1, How are you going to get it to me? Mail it? That’s gross.

#Letter B, I don’t I want to make your Granny cry. She’s probably as sweet as the day is long, but just because she’s been cooking since the Truman administration doesn’t mean she makes good slaw. Perhaps she uses unusual ingredients or uses way too much dressing.

How are reviews structured?

I, Dr. Slaw, will give you as much background info as possible on the serving vessel and general experience. Where was it? Was it carryout or did I eat in restaurant? Did I use a plastic or metal fork? Was it fresh? Was it portioned out of a larger vessel, etc. If I remember I’ll take a picture (I probably won’t). Then I will describe it based on my arbitrary, yet incredibly specific grading criteria and give it a letter grade.

What do you grade on?

The rubric is a bit fluid at this point, but the essentials are as follows:

Cabbage: Fresh. Ideally still crispy. Can be a red cabbage and green cabbage mix, but all green is certainly OK.

Carrot: There should be carrot. Carrot adds subtle sweetness so less sugar is needed in the dressing. Ideally carrot should be like 20-25% of the veggie mix. Carrot-less cole slaw is a mistake.

The Cut: My opinion is that something on the order of julienning is perfection. I like sizeable distinct pieces. I don’t enjoy a fine dice, it’s not ideal for holding dressing and small uniform pieces are worse than overly large pieces.

Dressing: Mayo-based. There is a perfect amount, ideally it coats the ingredients. It shouldn’t be too soupy. I shouldn’t need to mix things around to get dressing on everything.

Salt and Pepper: Pepper should be evident by taste and visible, so I like coarse-ground. I will add pepper to slaw I’m served if needed, but will always try several bites before adding it. Ideally, I shouldn’t have to add anything to the slaw.

Spice/Seasonings: I don’t think any specific spice is a no-go for me right now, but that’s always subject to change. In practice I’ve had overly sweet, or overly salty slaw, and that’s a pretty serious hit to the rating, but I’m open to any reasonable seasonings of the ingredients and mayo/miracle whip.

What’s not OK?

Broccoli. At least one Pittsburgh area Seafood restaurant uses broccoli in its slaw. I don’t know what happened to the chef in his childhood but it must have been terrible for him to want to subject me to cole slaw that had large pieces of Broccoli. Sadly it was otherwise a decent offering- but I’ll talk about it later.

What about your stuff?

I am not good at cooking. I belong nowhere near an oven. There is a limited number of things I make well and the common thread amongst the items on that menu is that I’m often tinkering with the recipe to make the best version of that item I can. This is no different. I have my ideas about the ideals I mentioned above and my quest will be an attempt to bring that into my own slaw preparation.

Why should I care?

You shouldn’t. This is just like my opinion, man. Don’t forget all human cultural development is basically an elaborate distraction from our knowledge of our eventual demise. I’m going to be dead someday and so will you. Eat some fucking cole slaw and enjoy your people.

But Primanti’s uses vinegar-based slaw?

And…